Cell Phone Rant From A Technophobe

I hate cell phones. I particularly hate the push-to-talk phones all the contractors use whenever I am in a restaurant.

LOUD CHIRP: HEY, FRANK, DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU PUT THE JOHNSON QUOTE? (MORE LOUD CHIRPPING)

Frank, loudly into the phone: I THOUGHT JOHNNY TOOK IT (LOUD CHIRPPING)

LOUD CHIRP: NO. JOHNNY SAID YOU HAD IT. (LOUD CHIRPPING)

Frank, screaming this time: JOHNNY IS A LYING S.O.B. AND I AM GOING TO BEAT HIS PUNK ASS WHEN I GET BACK. (LOUD CHIRPPING)

Not the best way to eat a tuna melt - and it is this way all over America. What could be worse? I mean, besides those awful camera phones? Or the fact that everyone watches ESPN on their cellphone now? I remember when a buddy of mine spent his life savings on one of those big screen TVs last year. "Hey, Jay, come on over and take a look at my 84" flat screen TV that cost $4,995. It's great. Let's watch the Sunday Night football game on ESPN." Are those already the good ol' days?

I tell you what is worse: all the teenagers are getting the little push-to-talk phones. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. For crying out loud. I was at a wedding over the weekend when one of those silly things went off - and the kid got up during the ceremony and went out of the sanctuary to chat. We could hear the chirpping for five minutes. Five freakin' minutes! I finally violated ettiquette, got off my rear end, left the sanctuary, and took care of the problem.

"About 300 people can hear you - and your buddy. Turn that thing off."

"Dude, I didn't know anyone could hear me. Snap."

What the heck does "snap" mean in teen vernacular, anyway?

Loud Chirp: "Dude, I gotta finish this later. Some old guy told me this is too loud for the wedding or something." Loud Chirp.

Loud Chirp: "Tell that old fart to (expletive deleted)."

The kid looked at me, sheepishly apologized, and turned the crappy device off. Of course, neither one of us were allowed back in to the ceremony.

I've read the Bible several times. Tonight, though, I am going to re-read the last book, Revelation. I am sure Apostle John must have seen these chirppy phones somewhere in his apocalyptic vision.